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For those of you who like coffee, have a sense of humor, enjoy a good laugh, appreciate sarcasm, or just like silliness then this post is the perfect place to find your favorite coffee joke or pun.
We’ve put together a collection of over 200 great coffee jokes, coffee puns, coffee quotes, coffee captions, and coffee one-liners for you to enjoy.
Some of the jokes, quotes, puns, or one-liners may be silly, make you cringe, or roll your eyes. Hopefully, some will also give you a latte of laughs.
By the way, you can search this list for particular words or phrases by using your browser’s find command.
Massive List of the Best Coffee Jokes, Puns, Quotes, and One-Liners
A coffee a day keeps the grumpy away.
A cup of coffee shared with a friend is happiness tasted and time well spent.
A day without coffee is like…I have no idea.
A day without coffee is like something without something.
A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer. It was instant.
A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go. The coffee gets up and leaves.
A good morning starts with coffee
A morning without coffee is like sleep.
All I need is coffee and lipstick.
All you need is love and a cup of coffee
A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm. At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
A pair of jumper cables walk into a cafe. The barista sees them and says, “I’m sorry but I’ll have to ask you to leave. I don’t want you starting anything in here.”
A real friend makes you a coffee when you need it. And you need it all the time.
A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Bad coffee is better than good tea.
Barista: How do you take your coffee? Me: Very seriously.
Bean me up, Scotty!
Before coffee I hate everybody. After coffee I feel good about hating everybody.
Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.
Better latte than never
Books, coffee, and you make me happy
But first coffee!
Buy one coffee, get one free but does it have to be in that order?
Chocolate makes me happy. Coffee makes me human.
Coffee and friends – a perfect blend.
Coffee before reality.
Coffee before talkie.
Coffee doesn’t ask silly questions. Coffee understands.
Coffee is a cup of hope in a world of chaos.
Coffee is always a good idea.
Coffee is a drink that puts you to sleep when not drunk.
Coffee is good but coffees are better.
Coffee is a hug in a mug.
Coffee is just not my cup of tea.
Coffee is liquid optimism.
Coffee is my gasoline.
Coffee is my love language.
Coffee is my favorite co-worker.
Coffee is my hot friend I was telling you about.
Coffee is my therapy.
Coffee is proof that God loves us and wants us to pay attention
Coffee is the most important meal of the day.
Coffee is why you got out of bed today.
Coffee made me do it.
Coffee makes everything possible
Coffee, where have you bean all my life?
Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven.
COVID was a year where we were all grounded not just coffee
Don’t wake up grumpy in the morning. Just make him some coffee.
Drink coffee. Do stupid things faster and with more energy.
Drink coffee and do stuff.
Death before decaf!
Drinking too much espresso may cause a latte problems.
Espresso is my philosophy.
Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.
Everything gets better after coffee.
Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Good days start with coffee.
Good days start with coffee and you.
Great ideas start with great coffee.
Happiness is a cup of coffee.
Hasta Barista, baby
He is so lazy he should have a sign that says insert coffee to begin.
Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee? says a customer. Two dollars, replies the barista, and refills are free. Great! says the customer, Then I’ll have a refill!
How are coffee beans like kids? They’re always getting grounded!
How are men like coffee? A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee because he thought it was cool.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee? You channel surf faster without the remote
How do you make Pig Jerky? Give them some coffee
How does a tech guy drink coffee? He installs Java!
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage? One person thinks it’s grounds for divorce.
How does the serial killer like his coffee? All ground up like his victims.
How is divorce like espresso? It can be expensive and bitter.
I’m a coffeeholic on the road to recovery. The road to the coffee shop.
I’m not a freddo the dark.
I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee. Safe tea first, though.
I’m sorry about what I said before my coffee.
I believe in fairy tales. I drink a potion every day made from magic beans that stops me from going crazy – it’s called coffee.
I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee.
I drink so much coffee at work, I consider it part of my daily grind.
I drink too much coffee – said no one ever.
I followed my heart and it led me to coffee.
I had a coffee pun but affogato it
I have OCD. Obsessive Coffee Disorder.
I just got myself a top of the range coffee maker. It has a lot of perks.
I like my coffee black and strong just like my man.
I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
I’m angry and just need to Venti.
I love you more than the first cup of coffee.
I made a pot of coffee, espresso-ly for you.
I must get up my coffee needs me.
I run on coffee and sarcasm
I run on coffee, chaos, and cuss words.
It’s coffee o’clock.
I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.
I was making coffee today. I pushed down on the plunger and a café in the next street blew up.
I will start working when my coffee does.
If the local coffee shop has awarded you Employee of the Month and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.
If you sit down to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, chances are your boss will ask you to do something that will last until your coffee is cold.
If you can’t drink hot coffee on a hot day you are weak and will never survive the apocalypse.
If you can’t remember my name just say coffee and I’ll turn around.
In coffee we trust.
Is there life before coffee?
It all makes sense after coffee.
It’s always coffee.
It’s Monday but coffee can handle it It’s hard to espresso my feelings for you.
Keep calm and drink coffee.
Last night I dreamt about drinking coffee. Today I’m drinking coffee. Follow your dream!
Latte espresso our feelings for each other.
Life begins after coffee
Life happens coffee helps
Life is short – enjoy your coffee.
Life is too short for bad coffee.
Life without coffee is scary.
Love is in the air and it smells like coffee.
Make something good every day – coffee!
May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.
May your coffee kick in before reality does.
Maybe my coffee is addicted to me. Ever think of that?
More espresso less depresso.
My the coffee be with you.
My blood type is coffee.
My coffee is my power.
My home runs on love, laughter, and a good strong cup of coffee.
New word: Procaffeinating (n). – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.
Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.
Please don’t explain the benefits of green tea until I’ve had my coffee.
Rise up and attack the day with coffee.
Size matters. Nobody wants a small cup of coffee.
Sleep is a weak substitute for coffee.
Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
Sometimes I like coffee more than people.
Soup of the day – Coffee.
Stop and smell the coffee.
Stressed, blessed, and coffee obsessed.
Tea is good but coffee is better.
The best day for drinking coffee is any day.
The best time to drink coffee is now.
The only thing better than being a barista is being a dad.
The pain you feel today is a symptom that you are not getting enough coffee.
There are two types of people in this world: Coffee people and sad people.
There is always time for coffee.
Today’s forecast. 100% coffee.
Today’s good mood is sponsored by coffee.
Today I chose joy. I had a cup of coffee.
True friends give you coffee.
Wake up and smell the coffee and then drink it.
Ways to my heart: Make me coffee, Buy me coffee, Be coffee.
We’re the perfect blend
What currency can we use to buy coffee in space? Starbucks.
What did the barista’s Valentine say? I wanna espresso my love for you.
What did the barista say when she messed up an espresso? What the puck!
What did the barista magician say when making coffee? Arabica-dabra!
What did the surfer say when a friend made him a double espresso? That’s doppio bro!
What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee? What’s Sumatra with you?
What did the coffee addict name his cats? Cream and Sugar.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor? I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What did the coffee lover name her son? Joe.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let’s stir up some trouble!
What did the cup of coffee say when she didn’t make it on time? Sorry I’m latte.
What did the Italian guy say when he was teased? Don’t mocha me!
What do beans say to their Valentines? You keep me grounded.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common? They’re only good if they’re rich!
What do coffee lovers say to each other. I’ve been thinking about you a latte.
What do gossiping coffee pots do? Spill the beans.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth? De-calf-inated!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee? A brewhaha.
What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before? Deja brew.
What do you call the first level of a coffee factory? The ground floor.
What goes best with a cup of coffee? Another cup.
What is better than smelling coffee? Drinking coffee.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee? Raw raw raw raw raw.
What’s a barista’s favourite exercise at the gym? The French Press.
What’s a useless cup of coffee called? Decaffeinated.
What’s fat, ugly, slimy, and drinks a lot of coffee? Java the Hut!
What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee? A mugging!
What is a barista’s favorite song? Everything I brew, I brew it for you (apologies Bryan Adams)
What’s the best Beatles song? Latte Be!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion? I asked for coffee.
What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work? Break fluid.
What’s a barista’s favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind!
What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot!
What’s its favorite Bob Marley song? ‘Don’t Worry, Be Frappy’.
When life gives you lemons make a Café del Tiempo.
When life gives you lemons make an espresso romano.
When life gives you lemons give them back and tell them you want coffee.
When life gets tough drink coffee. At least you’ll feel better.
When you have a cold you coffee and sneezy.
Where do birds go for coffee? NESTcafe.
Where there is coffee there is hope.
With enough coffee nothing is impossible.
Why are Italians so good at making coffee? Because they know how to espresso themselves.
Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it was mugged.
Why did the espresso keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Why do they call coffee mud? Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso? It’s a cheap shot.
Why shouldn’t you discuss coffee in polite company? It can make for a strong and heated debate.
Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me.
You can’t buy happiness but you can buy coffee – and that’s pretty close.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when instant coffee takes too long to make.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when people get dizzy just watching you.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when Starbucks has the mortgage on your house.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when the local coffee shop awards you ‘Employee of the Month’ but you don’t work there.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when there is a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you can jump-start your car without cables.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you can take a picture of yourself from 20 feet away without the timer.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you chew on other people’s fingernails.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you get drunk so you can sober up with coffee.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you help your dog chase its tail You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you lick your coffee mug clean.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you only watch DVD’s on fast forward.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you percolate instead of sweat.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you ski uphill.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you sleep with your eyes open.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you walk 10 miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you want to be cremated, so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee tin .
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you watch YouTube videos at 2x playback speed.
You know you’re drinking too much coffee when YouTube videos at 2x playback speed seem slow.
You mocha me very happy.
You’re a brew-ti-ful cup of coffee.
Do you have a coffee joke or pun or quote?
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Coffee Mugs, T-shirts, Sweatshirts, Hoodies, and more
The coffee mugs, t-shirts, and posters featured on this page are from various unique designs on EpicQuips.
EpicQuips is a small Etsy store with 5-star reviews and a good reputation. They care about their customers (as we care for our members and readers).
EpicQuips offers our Good Brews Club Members at least 15% discount on all of their store items.
EpicQuips can also customize and personalize most coffee mugs and other items.
They have fun coffee quotes, quips, and designs on various items.
We accessed the following sources when compiling this list of coffee jokes, puns, quotes, and one-liners.
We recommend you take a look at these sources.
The Mammoth Book of One-Liners by Geoff Tibballs. This is a really fun book with LOTS of good one-liners.
The Mammoth Book of One-Liners (Mammoth Books 459)
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